Monday, February 19, 2007

A Tale of Two Kristels ...and/or, Why This Blog Isn't Anonymous

Remember that martini I told you about last week? Vodka, extra dirty? That I spilled onto my beloved camera? Yes, well, the salty nectar of the gods (don't even entertain the thought of going there) finally did its harm. My camera ceased functioning this morning and made a very ominous clack and whir as it did so. I rushed my dear, usually-reliable camera to the camera doctor (a sweet little old man with an unidentifiable European accent) and he promises that he'll call me sometime this week to tell me the extent of the damage. Sad.

So, faithful reader, of there are, I'm sure, at least two, I must warn you --this week is likely to be full of brilliant passages of prose, and devoid of pictures entirely. Unless, of course, M digs up her camera and I can use it as a pinch-hitter because I can't dance with the one who brought me or keep my metaphors straight. Or something.

Tonight, being too sad to post about food without being able to take a picture, I choose to fill you in on why you know that is is Kristel writing this blog *and* you know what Kristel looks like. (Why I am writing in third person, even I don't know).

I thought long and hard before choosing to make TheBestSoupEver not anonymous. Many of my favorite blogs' authors are hidden -- either going by a pseudonym or an initial, or by choosing not to include a picture. I debated with myself, hence the two Kristels in the title, and the nicer Kristel was victorious. Here is an excerpt of the argument:

Mean Kristel (MK): Ooo, remember our previous blog? Man that was awesome. We could do the same sort of thing here. You know, make fun of other people's food instead of their dating habits.

Nice Kristel (NK): No, no, no... we can't do that. I felt too guilty, remember? I was putting bad karma into the world. I had to stop.

MK: Karma, shmarma. It was soooo entertaining. Remember how it all began? We were so fed up with getting cheesy, awful emails from LAME guys on Myspace and Friendster that we began sending excerpts to our friends. They cracked up at all of the "U R hott, wanna cum C me 1 day?" type of messages we got.

NK: Yeah, but we went one step further, remember? We created a blog, posted the emails (with identifying details removed), and mocked everything they said. That was why the blog had to be anonymous -- I couldn't let the world know who it was who was being so mean.

MK: They deserved it! They couldn't even spell -- they drove us bonkers. Ooo, and I get chills thinking about how the blog progressed. How we eventually ran out of emails to our Friendster and Myspace accounts and so we began signing up for in various cities. We would post our real picture and likes/dislikes and wait for the emails. Invariably they would be full of sappy poetry, lines like "I thik we shud date. U a fine ass." or "You seem smart, I am looking for a wife, R U her?", or pictures of penises. And then we would post their emails and tear their grammar, spelling, and humanity to pieces. I. Loved. It.

NK: Yeah, it was funny for awhile. But then I began to feel bad for these guys. I mean, yes, they were idiots, that couldn't read or spell, but they mostly seemed like sincere idiots. Besides, we do have a fine ass.

MK: Ah, and then we compared each city to the other cities and ranked them on a loser scale. We were hysterical. And brilliant. Imagine this -- we make other people's recipes or visit their restaurants and then we make fun of their paltry culinary skill! Mwah ah ah ah ah!!!!

NK: NO. NO. NO. I am done with this petty, internet meanness. Not to say of course, that I won't give a bad rating to a restaurant that was truly awful, or that I won't be snarky occasionally, but hiding behind a fake name and making fun of people is no longer part of my plan. Instead, I will win over the internets with wry comments, delicious food, and entertaining prose. We'll be a hit!

MK: Whatever.

So, there you have it folks. Nice Kristel won. I wanted to be able to honestly read, write, and review food -- no tricks or gimmicks. If I really don't like something, I'll let you know. And if something is great, I'll share that too. I've got nothing to hide behind -- you know my name and my face. This blog is essentially Kristel, Unplugged.

Be gentle.

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